typhoon season

here in Manila it’s been raining

for 5 days--I think

I’ve lost

track because all the days

are the same

it’s typhoon season,

+ I’ve been caught

in it

I’ve been caught

in a typhoon for a year--since the panic

first attacked

bolting

from the lightning

+ thunder that chase

me through city streets

chilled

down to my soul from

sheets of rain

unable to see anyone else

because I’m always

running

looking

down

with fear in every step

avoiding

all of the flooded

streets + puddles

that will swallow

me whole

it’s been a year

a year of 5 different medications

(+ still waiting for the right ones)

a year of 2 therapists

a year of struggling

to hear God through the thunder

a year of so many panic attacks

that I stopped

keeping track

a year of nightmares--even in

my nightmares, the panic still

finds

me

the wicked

world my mind molds starts

to spin

the panic feeds

on me like a festering

parasite + sucks

the life out

of my lungs

I start to pass out

that’s the moment when

I always wake

up

last night, the nightmare that woke

me had my dad + dog

almost die together

in front of me

+ instead of going

to save them, the panic

got me first

so I crawled

over to my

husband who held

me after my nightmare

yet again

whether I’m awake or asleep,

it doesn’t matter

I can’t escape

but yet, in the back

of my mind, I know

from 3 years of living

here that typhoon season is

just that

a season

it always comes

to an end

the last typhoon

of the season will

blow away

+ the months of November

through February will be

gorgeous

with a little sea breeze as

this island country cools

off over the holidays

for once I will stop

running--the thunder + lightning

won’t be chasing

me anymore

I will breathe

the air freely--air

that is for me

+ me alone

I will pray

to God without

thunder thrashing

my thoughts

my husband will hold

me in the middle of the night

just because he wants to, not

because I am afraid

I’ll find medications

that fix the chemical imbalances

in my brain + learn skills in therapy

the panic attacks will be easy

to count because they’ll be

so few

I’ll see people again + really want to

+ finally,

the chill in my soul will be warmed

with the weather from March through May:

the sunshine months,

making us all forget

for a while that typhoon season

even exists

* This poem was written upon reflection of having my first panic attack, 1 year ago today*